When there is better than here

http://www.wallpaperseek.com/

I've been through so many ups and downs and I've been trying to find ways to placate myself through the rough patches. The psalmist says, "I am worn out from sobbing. Every night tears drench my bed; my pillow is wet from weeping" in Psalm 6:6. It bothers me so much that I get overcome by these intense emotions. I often feel trapped in my body and trapped in my emotions and changes in mood. (Before you judge me or want to advise me, do some research on adrenal fatigue, or at the very least read my blog post 21st century stress syndrome Thanks!)

I am a person who loves my freedom. It is the cry of heart. To feel trapped, absolutely ruins me. I have to do something about it since it drives me bonkers.

A song from the Wizard of Oz came to mind the other day and I've found it really soothing and encouraging:

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebird fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why, can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

I am reminded that though I feel trapped right now, there is a brighter future. I have hope. And I can also make time to dream. It will be good for my soul. I've even been inspired to overcome my fear of doing art and to push past my reservations. It may take some time. It might not. I really don't know what the future holds...

But in the meantime there are things I can be grateful for, today. 

One being the fulfilment of dreams of yesteryear! :)

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What's that you say, Christian?

From it's inception, Christianity was about following Christ, the man, Jesus of Nazareth, who was born of a virgin. Originally called "The Way" and followers were called disciples of Christ.

It wasn't easy to be a disciple and many of the early believers were tortured and killed for their faith, but the people continued to believe.

Through the centuries, many have tried to destroy the legacy and the people but by the power of God Almighty the stories which have been told of God's ways, his love, his grace and his people are still available today (otherwise known as the Bible).

For some that call themselves Christian, they merely believe that Jesus is their Saviour but for all other purposes Christianity holds no power to them. If it is power you seek you will be looking somewhere else and following another philosophy, for in Christ we must humbly accept the ways of God, the truth of God and the love of God.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

And at the appointed time, Jesus "humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:8)



At that time Jesus did not say, "Let's think positive thoughts and let's just move on from this" but rather he showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, he died for us. (Romans 5:8).

His forgiveness of our sins cost him his life. Forgiveness is costly.

Right now I am staring at these words. They are playing over and over in my mind. My heart wants this but I am struggling, for I know that even as Christ died for the forgiveness of sins, if I am to forgive others I know I will bear the pain and punishment for the hurt caused to me.

Right now I am looking it in the face, knowing that I will be needing to forgive "seventy seven and seven" times until I die and knowing the pain it causes, actually makes me look forward to death.

http://fortneyfam.blogspot.com

The symbol of Christianity is a cross, a means of killing a person. As a symbol of Christ's act of love it speaks volumes as to the lengths that he has gone to for us and since he has also in his resurrection conquered death, it is also a symbol of hope - eternal.

As I commit myself to these things today, my heart is pounding. I am so scared but I know there is no other Way worth contemplating, than The Way of Jesus Christ, son of the Living God.

No "positive thoughts" can replace the truth of the Living God.

Appreciating the preciousness of Curiosity

For a number of years now... amidst studying, working and graduating, I have submitted extra aspirations for each year to God - things of value and things of interest - in the hopes that God would help me grow as a person and also just inspire me to whatever he wants me to achieve.

Examples of these have been ballroom and Latin dancing, vegetable gardening, improving my Afrikaans, improving my understanding of the bible and theology, and learning more about food and cooking. With each of these I focussed on them for at least a year to actually be sure I was giving it more attention than usual and with the hopes of seeing improvement and also, in some cases, to actually pray about it more too.

Mint and Strawberry plant from the days of focussed gardening

It has actually been such a blessing to my relationship with God as I trust that he cares about our desires, our interests and our joys, and it's been so fulfilling to see how he can use these things to enrich my life, build relationships and fulfil his purposes.

I don't believe that I can do everything or know everything (which is even more blaringly evidently when you live with chronic fatigue!) but I know God gave us a heart and a mind to explore, love and learn. His ways are beyond us. His ways are good and though we may not ever know everything, I do believe he wishes to reveal things to us, stretch us and help us to see life beyond our limited perspectives.

It amazes me (and frustrates me) when people are so adamant about holding onto beliefs and attitudes which are frankly unhelpful but they are just too proud and stubborn to change. I'm sure you have felt the same way... at times frustrated with people who you believe are foolish, hypocritical and arrogant. That said, it could be any one of us who behaves that way. Just take a hard look at humanity - we cling fast to old knowledge and beliefs that have been our 'trustworthy companions'.

How do we move beyond that? How do we get away from being insular and self-absorbed (or ethno-centric, believing that only our people's ways are worthy)?

I believe that all humanity has been given 4 gifts which help us to process all this. I actually got this list from a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. In the book, Covey calls them Power Tools but I really believe they are gifts from God for us to use, enjoy and explore:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

1) Self-Awareness - Gives us the ability to observe our own thoughts and actions
2) Conscience - Gives us the ability to listen to our own inner voice and to determine right from wrong
3) Imagination - Gives us the ability to envision new possibilities
4) Willpower - Gives us the power to choose

If you look at the way 'the fool' or 'the hypocrite' behaves and speaks you might begin to wonder if they possess these tools, but they do. We all do. Some appreciate and utilise them more than others.

The fact that Sean Covey mentions them right in the beginning of book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens tells you something - these power tools (or gifts) are influential! They can help shape our thoughts, our desires and our actions.

I think the more we use these tools, the more we ask questions, the more we explore and the more we show genuine interest, the better we will be able to learn and grow as people (singular and plural).

I, for one, am going to keep curiosity alive. Who's with me?

----

This year... 2012...
...what do you seek to learn?
...where do you want to explore?
...who would you like to meet or get to know better?
...what skills would you like to develop?

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If you enjoyed this blog post you might also enjoy this article I read via the TIME website today: http://ideas.time.com/2012/01/18/the-bigger-ball-drops-faster-and-other-myths-of-physics/

21st century stress syndrome

So I'm having a relapse of adrenal burnout.

Last week however, I was feeling good from Monday all through to Saturday, which felt rather strange in fact. I would have hoped to feel better about it but in actual fact I have become used to not coping and not having enough stress hormones that to feel normal was a bit overwhelming.

Suddenly the realisation of the ways in which people have side-lined me, abandoned me and abused me hit me full force and I felt true feelings of horror. You actually wouldn't believe how people walk all over you when you are down and out. It blows my mind and torments my heart.

'Adrenal Fatigue'
James L. Wilson

Now I am back to the usual symptoms of what James L. Wilson considers "the 21st century stress syndrome" in his book about Adrenal Fatigue (I haven't read the book but it looks helpful).

My symptoms from the beginning started from a 2 week long flu with dizziness, fatigue, weakness, fever and daily headaches. After those 2 weeks the fatigue and weakness was persistent and I started to become breathless from simple tasks like putting on my clothes for the day and then especially noticeable was how poor my driving became. I just didn't have the power to turn the wheel fast enough for corners and driving in rush hour or at night was supremely, unbelievably exhausting, leaving me severely out of breath.

I went to the doctor, had blood tests and found out that I am not anaemic, my blood is healthy, and my vitamin B was within a healthy range. Luckily for me, my doc suggested that I have adrenal burnout and I was 100% in agreement when she explained it to me.

My "symptoms" have further included:
- low blood pressure and dizziness
- a marked difficulty in concentration
- having complete lapses of hearing what someone is saying
- a complete lack of ability to stand up for myself or protect myself
- complete inability to handle stress
- muscle weakness
- pronounced fatigue and yawning at any time of day (often without even being aware of it)
- sore lower back (pain of the adrenal glands rather than the actual back itself)
- reduced ability to keep a good posture
- reduced ability to handle alcohol

The lack of stress hormones resulted in daily mood swings of:
(1) Quietness/ Staring (A complete lack of emotional energy or capacity)
(2) Crying, but mostly uncontrollable sobbing
(3) Outbursts and screaming,
And also this could even be followed by
(3) Laughing ...Not without reason though.. I'm not really a psycho ;)

Other common experiences have been frequent, if not nightly, nightmares or fitful, panic-stricken nights or uncontrollable sobbing in the night. In the beginning I didn't have insomnia but I did have the nightmares and they became more frequent.

This weekend I was pressured into driving more than I felt comfortable with and I ended up aggravating my sensitive condition. Last night was full of fits. Today I had such severe mood swings I wanted to destroy something. I didn't - but it was HIGHLY frustrating trying to deal with it (and I can completely understand why this condition can ruin marriages).

Hello 2012

I decided to start a personal blog for a number of reasons:

(1) I've been experiencing things with quite a different lens over the past 3 and a half months since I got diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. It's been a really rough and unexpected journey, so I've had to just learn as I go, and try to figure out how to deal with this condition.

A few months ago I had no idea what a crucial role the adrenals had to play and I also had no idea I was abusing mine! Now I've learnt so much, and I can tell you they do A LOT for being such peony little organs!

(2) Some people suggested I write a diary to write down my feelings since one of my symptoms has been dramatic mood swings but I can tell you I've come a far way from my apparently introverted childhood when diary writing was fun. I'm pretty sure that my significantly high extrovert score on personality testing could explain why I find writing a diary a chore!

(Admittedly I do have a book for writing profound thoughts but I think the last time I wrote in that was about 5 years ago and I don't know where it is for the life of me!)

(3) I've been wanting to start another blog for a while now.
I really wanted another avenue to share more personal things, and anything other than stuff about hair - which is what my first blog The Hair Conversation is evidently about. I will be glad to be able to share things about health or things happening in my relationship with God or anything else. Perhaps more people would actually be interested in this blog since it's about more diverse topics and it should show more "me" :)

I'm hopeful.

Also rather droopy-eyed... time to say good night!